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Positively Communicating Sexual Dissatisfaction in an Attempt to Alter Your Partner's Behavior
Chapter 2
There are different ways to verbally indicate to your partner that
they are doing something that you are not enjoying. Statements that
encourage positive actions are usually the most effective way to
alter a behavior without bruising egos. Some examples of positive
reinforcement are: "I really like it when you touch me that
way, can you do it some more?" "That feels really good."
"I really enjoyed what we did yesterday." Another effective
means is to suggest an alternative action. Some examples are: "Can
we try it this way?" "Let me move my arm over here…"
"I've got a new idea." It is good to express yourself
during lovemaking, but if you feel that it might break the mood
it can certainly be discussed afterwards. The important thing is
that the matter is discussed and not left to become a pattern of
negative behavior from your perspective.
Blunt negative comments are generally inappropriate and are a sure
fire way to cause hurt and resentment. "Stop it!" "I
hate it when you do that!" "That's a good way to turn
me off." These statements are accusatory and insulting and
are generally met with a defensive reaction or even hostility by
your partner. Nothing gets resolved making comments such as these
but often a communication breakdown or an argument will result.
Negative statements shouldn't be completely ruled out though because
usually a relationship can withstand a delicately stated negative
comment. Some examples of these are: " That makes me a little
uncomfortable..." "This is not my favorite position."
"I don't know if I like this as much as what we were doing
earlier." Although these are negative statements, they are
focused on you and your feelings, making them not an accusation
towards your partner, but rather a reflection of your views.
An alternate suggestion is to try to dissuade your partner's actions
using non verbal communication. As we all know a simple grunt or
moan can mean many different things depending on the tone and or
timing of them. A certain sound communicates pain or displeasure
without taking away from the moment. Another method of non verbal
communication is through facial or body movements. If you are face
to face with your partner they can certainly tell by your expression
whether you are in ecstasy or agony or simply ambivalent. Even something
as simple as moving your hips or stroking your partners back is
saying "I like this, keep going." These are just a few
examples of less embarrassing but very effective ways of expressing
yourself to your partner, but there are many others.
So, next time you aren't sure if you should say something, remember
that your partner isn't a mind reader and that both of you will
enhance your pleasure by engaging in frank but tactful conversation
in reference to your sexual preferences. It is important to remember
however that these likes and dislikes change over time and therefore
it is best to establish a varied and comfortable sexual repertoire
with each other without creating emotional bruises.
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