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[1, 2, 3]
Separating Sex and Love
Chapter 2
To examine this issue further, we will have to determine WHY some
people wait until they are reasonably secure in a relationship,
while others indulge in sex with strangers. Neither is "wrong"
or "weird"; it is a simple matter of which one of your
basic needs is strongest at the time. For example, someone who waits
until they have been dating someone for quite a while may have strong
emotional needs. For them, the need for security, stability and
intimacy with another person is stronger than the need for physical
satisfaction. These people are typically looking for a "significant
other" and are not interested in wasting time gallivanting
off with the first good looking offer they get. These people may
feel casual sex might interfere with that process and therefore
prove counterproductive.
Others that seem to be sleeping with someone new every time you
talk to them probably have different needs. For them, the need for
stability, intimacy and security are probably further down on their
list. For these people it is generally one of two needs that get
top priority. For some it is a purely physical need, which is straightforward
and simple to understand and there are no underlying motives involved.
The only thing that they want is sex and that's it. In this situation,
there is absolutely nothing wrong with sex without love. It is healthy
as long as they are being up front with the person that they are
engaging in these activities with.
For the other casual sexers out there, motives or needs may be
a little more complex. For some, the behavior is a result of low
self-confidence. The have a strong emotional need that they are
using sex to fulfill. They are only having sex so that they can
prove to themselves that they are human beings worthy of being desired
and using sex as a substitute for love. This is unfortunately the
case more often than not with women who routinely engage in casual
sex. It is just a quick fix for the problem at hand, which is low
self-esteem, and ultimately makes their self image less flattering,
as they persist in having sex with people who don't love them and
often never will. In this case, casual sex can be very destructive
and isn't at all healthy. I hope that anyone reading this who is
in this category can recognize themselves as being so and learn
to work on improving the way they feel about themselves. You will
never truly be in love with someone until you can be happy and comfortable
with yourself.
The third reason some people engage in casual sex is simple loneliness.
Maybe people that have been single for a long time crave intimacy.
Maybe they just want to be held and kissed by someone. The need
for sex fills the emotional void which is still the top priority.
In this case the physical reward is an added bonus. As long as people
in this group realize that they just want to be close to someone,
and don't confuse sex with love, it can be somewhat rewarding. Obviously
a more idea situation for them would be to become involved in a
relationship to fulfill their need for intimacy.
Continue
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