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The Importance of Self Esteem in Obtaining and Maintaining Relationships

Let's suppose for a moment that you were a vacuum cleaner salesman. Every day you go door to door, touting your wares, hopeful of a sale. However, rather than educating the prospective buyer as to the unparalleled quality of your merchandise, you instead inform them of its myriad shortcomings. Then you proceed to say that you actually don't know why they might be interested in your merchandise anyway due to its inferiority in contrast to what otherwise might be purchased on the market. How many vacuum cleaners do you think you would sell? Let's say for sake of example that you actually managed to flog one (although I can't imagine how) and then persisted in frequently telephoning the buyer in order to remind them of your return policy - as they probably could get a better model elsewhere… How long do you think it is that you would retain that customer?

Unfortunately, this scenario plays out every day, all over the planet and leaves the salespeople ridiculously scratching their collective heads wondering whatever could possibly have gone so wrong as to have led to them this eventuality. The thing they are selling is far more important to them than dirt removal products however, for it is themselves.

I can't tell you how many times I've witnessed a potential match or existing relationship go down in flames as a result of the lack of self-esteem one of the individuals seems to exhibit. While we all have certain elements of our composition as people we would rather others not be made aware of or are a trifle self conscious about, there are those among us who sabotage themselves by wearing all their self-doubt and loathing on their sleeves. After all, would you go out with someone who clearly thought that they weren't good enough for you? What if they were right?… perhaps you could do better.

Most people would not count themselves among those individuals whom I have just described - after all, they don't actually verbalize the fact that they may harbor these feelings. They are, however, evidenced to others upon first encounter in a multitude of ways: posture, gait, tonal inflection, lack of eye contact, stuttering, nervous manipulation of objects around them (drinks, salt & pepper shakers etc.), failure to initiate conversation or topics / opinion within it etc. All of these things and countless other cues let the person in on what it is you think is your little secret: that you think you are out of your prospect's league or at best have little chance of success.

So what if you have actually landed a great potential mate? Lack of self esteem can most definitely put the brakes on the best of relationships. Here is a checklist of items to look for which may signal you are facing this problem:

• A need to be reassured often as to the current state of affairs as concerns your partner's feelings for you. If you find yourself constantly asking or wondering if they still love you despite a lack of evidence to the contrary, perhaps it's time to look at yourself rather than them. Conversely, if you discover you are compelled to frequently express your depth of feeling more often than perhaps warranted, it may be a sign of the same difficulty, as in reality you are looking for a return confirmation of your partner's feelings.

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