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[1, 2]
Sex, Lies and videotapes - Is Honesty Always best?
Chapter 2
When a man asks a woman if she thinks that penis size matters,
do you think that he really wants to know the truth? Of course not.
He simply wants to be reassured that he is adequate. If he is, she'll
find a sensitive and honest way to communicate that to him, while
simultaneously sidestepping the actual question. If he's not, then
she needs to communicate that sensitively as well. Inadequacy is
seldom a single issue thing.
So when is it good to be honest? Generally, when you have something
to communicate, and it matters. Should you be honest with a new
partner about your sexual history? By all means yes. It matters.
Should you assume your new partner is being honest when they tell
you about their sexual history? Depends. Are they trying to convince
you they have never had unsafe sex before, so its okay to go unprotected?
Probably not then. Consider the consequences. If it's just a one
off thing, be honest. Let them know that you find them very attractive,
and you want to have sex with them, but you're not "dying for
it", so it's safe sex or no sex. If your interested in a longer-term
relationship, you can be honest about your uncertainty and suggest
you both take the time to get tested. There's so much more fun to
be had when you know you're both safe. Many of my favourite sexual
activities are unsafe for one or both partners, if there is any
question at all about STDs. So express your concerns honestly and
wait for an honest response. If you get flack for your trouble,
think about why that might be. Do you really want to get involved
with someone who puts pressure on you to do something you're not
comfortable with? Pretty straightforward, right?
Here's another perfectly appropriate place for honesty - when you
don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of getting away with the
lie anyway. So for instance, when your partner waves that videocassette
of German Leather Sluts in your face that they found under your
mattress and says "hey, you told me you didn't need this stuff
anymore since we got together", don't bother suggesting you're
just holding it for a friend. Try being honest and saying something
like " Gee, I guess I was wrong", if that's the case,
or "Well I don't actually need it, I just like it...and you
seemed insecure about pornography, so I said that to reassure you
that you really do turn me on." From there you might get into
a discussion about their insecurity, or you might just end up watching
German Leather Sluts together and talking honestly about what turns
you on and what grosses you out. Either way, you win by taking a
chance on honesty, and you can't escape with a totally unbelievable
lie anyway.
So that's the easy part. Knowing how and when to employ 'truth
avoidance' techniques is a bit trickier, but it goes something like
this. Although I believe most people's taste for the truth is something
less than they think it is, nobody wants to be out and out lied
to. Honesty is kind of like democracy. Its great in theory, but
breaks down somewhat in the practical day to day application. While
democracy, freedom and the rule of law seem like great ideas, most
of us reserve the right to 'tweak' them somewhat to our own personal
liking. It's the same thing with honesty. You have to play it by
ear a bit and try to be sensitive to the other person. Honesty isn't
just a license to go around indiscriminately trashing other people's
feelings. So to review... Honesty...sure, probably the best policy,
but use with caution. Its always easier to remember what you've
said if you tell the truth, and people are more apt to understand
what you mean if you say what you really mean...and mean it.
Here's a little tip. If someone asks you a question that you really
don't want to answer, just ask him or her why they want to know.
You'll be surprised how many people will just drop it at that, and
you won't even have to lie.
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